10 Ways to Come Out of the Closet
By Marcia Armstrong
'You're not going to believe this...'
Not so much a frequent tactic, more a matter of making a virtue out of a necessity. For instance, there we were on holiday, all dressed up and somewhere to go - it was carnival weekend and we were on our way to watch the parade. Suddenly we realised that Carole had returned home early with the key to the cottage where we were staying. The only duplicate was with the landlady.
The only way to get it - drive to her house. The only snag - I was in a sweater and skirt. Well, I thought, as I knocked on the door, it is carnival time...
"Bonjour Madame" said her husband, not recognising me silhouetted against the sunlight. I wish now that I'd introduced myself as my own twin sister, to see how long it took him to cotton on, but being an honest soul I said "Come off it Henry" in my deepest baritone. Squeals of delight from him and Anna: "Quick, get the camera!"
Afterwards, she told me that the giveaway was that I'd dressed too carefully for it to be just a carnival costume.
Crisis of passion
A tactic that can only work with good friends. There I was with Maria, discussing business organisation. She was about to leave for a meeting with a client, and was as usual dressed in her professional woman's outfit, an extremely snazzy blue skirt suit with a crisp white blouse. Her make up and hair were impeccable.
I heaved a deep sigh and said: "I envy you in that suit". She looked blank. "no really, you look just terrific. I'd love to go out dressed the way you are now".
Surprised she was, no doubt, but certainly more flattered than offended.
Pardon my bloomers
This scenario sounds like something straight out of trannie fiction, but it actually happened to me. I had a rush job on, which I couldn't manage on my home computer. Christine, a colleague, offered to let me work on her machine, but it would mean spending several days in her cottage while she was away at the office. So along I went, and along went a change of clothes in my briefcase.
The trouble came (haven't you guessed) when she arrived home an hour earlier than expected and found me in a blouse and skirt, scurrying for the bathroom. Red faces and profuse apologies followed...
Now this could have been a disaster, but in fact the upshot was the note she left me the following morning: "Please do not feel bad at all, you did not do anything wrong. I'm glad you felt comfortable in my house! In addition it is none of my business and will stay between us (in case you are worried about that). PS if you want something different, why don't you help yourself in my closet upstairs? Shoes are about all over the place".
God bless ladies like Christine. My friend Dominique insists I did it on purpose......
It's all an act
Carnival time again, and this year there were so many of us that I refused to cook Sunday lunch for 20, and instead ordered a ready-prepared meal from the delicatessen counter at the local supermarket. It was Saturday morning when I went to pick it up, and I was dressed in my discreetest skirt length and smartest heels.
The shop assistant, poor fellow, was out of his depth as he helped me steer the two trolley-loads to the checkout. "This gentleman will be bringing the serving dishes back." he explained to the cashier.
"Lady!" I corrected him, "When I ordered the meal on Tuesday I was a gentleman, but for the carnival weekend I'm a lady!"
"Sorry Sir" he stammered.... ah well, you can't win them all!
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