Kismet or Karma?
Had I been born with a female body I would have wanted a normal married life, but the thought of a homosexual relationship repels me. I don't consider myself homosexual. I love pretty clothes and feminine frivolity, and revel in the contrast with my normal role, but there is more to it than that. Clothes are accessories only, yet something strange happens when I've been wearing them for a couple of days or so. I began to look and feel feminine; my voice comes naturally at a higher pitch, and my walk and gestures become feminine.
Do I trigger the production of female hormones by stimulating femininity? That is probably medical nonsense, but certainly something happens, and I have seen enough strange occurrences in Africa and the Far East to be sure that are happenings outside our normal comprehension.
I am certain I have lived before as a woman, perhaps many times, and my hope is that I shall return again to that role. I also find it strange that it doesn't seem to matter that I was born into the developed western world. Even with what I know of the dreadfully hard and deprieved life experienced by the majority of women in Africa and Asia, I would exchange my life for their tommorrow, were it possible without causing hurt and sadness to others here. So, in addition to clothes, conventional Western beauty and elegance do not matter that much. (Although given a choice my preference would lie in that direction.) It would be enough to be female. In fact, one of the continual dreams which I have had since childhood, (long before puberty incidentally) which is perhaps a window into the past, is of being a slender brown girl in a tropical climate, wearing only a sari or sarong kabaya, with bright flowers in my long dark hair. Well, one day maybe!
Since I discovered the shop at Bury Old Road, and Stephanie's utterly professional, friendly, helpful and so understanding staff there, I have been able to allow my femininity some release. They showed me how I could be translated into an elegant, convincing and well dressed middle aged lady. Since then, luckily, being able to arrange my work conviently, I have lived for more days at a time in the role which I am more and more sure is the one meant for me. I find that as a woman I am an entirely different person, with different interests and a different personality. As a man I have always been self sufficient and a "loner," but as a woman I love company and find I fit in with other people much better as a female. Both men and women seem to like to talk to me and often other people have initiated the conversation. In fact, I've intercepted one or two annoyed glances from ladies whose husbands have become involved in conversation with me! This does my ego, and confidence, the world of good! I enjoy visiting Cathedrals, churches and Museums or National Trust Houses, when that sort of contact happens - like having my hand held overlong by a Vicar who seemed to be really enjoying showing off to his female visitor!
These places are not of much interest to my male side. Neither is "good" music, which I love as a women. Another aspect of my treatment as a middle aged and well dressed woman, which flatters and pleases me is the courtesy and niceness shown by so many people. Men do hold the door open, or step aside, and it feels marvellous.
I enjoy going to Church - again this is the complete reversal - and feel very close to God there. I don't feel that He (or She!) minds how I dress, and welcomes me. I don't worry about the injunction in the Bible that the sexes should not wear each others clothing. I am - mentally and psychologically - a woman.
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