Kismet or Karma?
I have taught myself to cook a little, (through I am still having difficulty in coping with five things at once), and to sew and knit, and gain immense pleasure from all three. A fluffy woollen hat and matching scarf are currently in production for the forthcoming winter, and the wearing of these, together with the skirt which I am sewing will be as great an achievement as anything in my life.
I even enjoy arranging flowers, which is utterly alien to my male role. Strangely I am a noticeably worse driver as a woman, indecisive and lacking concentration. However, perhaps this is understandable, as I simply cannot resist looking at myself in the mirror, rather than the road behind!
Even when playing my usual part as a male, there are changes since I made the effort to escape from my imprisonment. I look at other women in a different way - in the way that a woman would look at them, assessing their clothes and hair wondering if they would present any challenge or competition to me.
Although I carry on in the male part, more and more my thoughts are femininely orientated - for example I identify with the female lead in a film or play rather than the male, and despite my contenion that clothes are only an accessory rather than an end in themselves, I am intensely interested in them. I have an embrassingly large collection, from an expensive fur coat to a sun dress, which to my astonishment I found that I could wear with a strategically placed scarf around my shoulders!
Naturally I also enjoy experimenting with scent and make-up, and although nowhere near as expert as the girls at Bury Old Road, can now do a fair job on myself, fair enough anyway to be totally accepted as a woman in all sorts of situations, shops, transport, restaurants, in fact everywhere that I confidently go.
But, where do I go from here?
To be honest, I don't know. I became locked by circumstances into the male role before sex change operations became possible. Were I twenty or thirty I think that would be an option, but not now. Too many others are involved. Instead, I think that I am living in hope of the future, that God is going to say to me "Sorry, a finger slipped with your moulding, but we'll get it right next time around." If that thought brings any hope or comfort to others in my position then these lines will have been worth while.
If anyone has doubts about what can be done to escape, albeit temporarily, from a male incarceration, then don't have. Try it. Get advice from the girls at Transformation. You may be embarrassed, fearful or shy; I was all three, but they were marvellous. I felt at ease and at home very very quickly, and that's not all bad after fifty years of locking it away in my heart! The joy and excitement which you will get from hearing a waiter or shop assistant say "Thank you Madame" will make any initial trauma well worth while, I promise you.
Don't be ashamed either. We are as that unknown Deity made us, and indeed what is there to be ashamed of in wanting to be part of the better and nicer half of humanity?! Of course I am sad for what I have missed. I would have been delighted in being a Wife and Mother, and indeed Grandmother, and I'm sure I'd have been good at all three, but I'm proud of the femininity that I do have, proud to be the nicer person that I have become, and intensely thankful for what I have experienced, in both roles.
The thought of the woman that I could have been, and perhaps, if there truly is another life, will be again, both excites and comforts me.
Don't be afraid of life - get help, get advice, and be proud of yourself. I did, and I am.
[ Back to Gender Resource Links ]
Copyright © Transformation 2006
0.191134929657
