Kismet or Karma?
Fate, God, or biology - who or what decides the way we shall be? In the past, desperate and unhappy I have railed at all of them, and complained of the frustation and agony of being a female, trapped in a male body.
And yet, I have found myself recently - especially when enjoying peace and beauty - thanking God for giving me the chance to see life from two standpoints, and for the intense enjoyment, fulfillment, freedom and happiness which the release of my feminine persona brings.
I am in my fifies, and have been successful in my career as a male in a conventional social role, but I've always felt like an imposter or an actor, (perhaps 'actress' is the better word). My earliest memories are of enying girls and wanting to be like them.
Under the impression that I was unique in this respect, I grew up compensating, denying myself, deliberately taking part in the roughest and most competitive masculine sports. Yet, whenever the opportunity arose to wear my Mother's clothes I did so, even occasionally going out in them at night. I can, now, with the utmost clarity and sense of joy, remember the feeling that flooded through me when I first put on a skirt. It was as if, having been on a long and tiring journey, I suddenly arrived home, to find light and warmth, safety and comfort. It was as though I had slammed the door behind me on the dark, dismal, dangerous night outside.
That happened nearly fifty years ago, and I have lived as a woman, at first quietly and privately, but recently in public, on many occasions since. Skirts and dresses have become natural and ordinary when in my feminine role, yet still an element of that sense of "homecoming" remains with me. I feel complete, no longer acting a part, and happy.
So, why, do I and so many others have to live most of our lives in a half world, living a lie, acting as a male, while feeling female, and never able to be wholly alive?
Is it sexual deviancy, hormone inbalance, or something far deeper and more mysterious, which we can only guess at? I have been in contact, in different parts of the world, with several religions, and I am convinced that we return to this life many times, working our way to perfection. It is possible that a person born into one life as a woman, can remember that in later incarnations? I am convinced that is the only way to explain that reassuring feeling of homecoming, when we finally admit to ourselves that we are more comfortable as women.
I feel "myself", when I don female garb but, oddly enough, receive no physical sexual excitement at all.
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