Will They Still Love Me After I Tell Them?

This is a guide to coming out to a partner, family, siblings, or friends. It is adapted from a workshop that I do at events and group meetings. It is usually interactive, but I think it translates fairly well to the web. I hope you find some help here.

By JoAnn Roberts

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Some Things You Need to Understand

I've often heard it said that crossdressing doesn't hurt anyone. That's true only if you are single and have no family. Otherwise, because we co-exist with other family members, our behavior does have an effect on them, both perceived and real. You need to understand some of the family issues involved.

Guilt by Association. There are social repercussions to consider. How many families want to be associated with a person society considers mentally ill and a pervert? Friendships can be lost. Children can be teased unmercifully. The family becomes outcast. This can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness and anger at the crossdresser. We like to think that our society is more enlightened than that today, but, sadly, it's just not true.

Loss of Income. Many families fear economic reprisals if the crossdressing is discovered. This is not an unreasonable fear. In many job situations, the discovery of crossdressing behavior may be cause, however unjustified, for dismissal.

Sexual Orientation. Families that discover a crossdresser among them often question the person's sexual orientation. A lot of ignorance surrounds homosexuality still and questions of promiscuity are likely to come up and that brings up STDs. Some families will wonder if the crossdresser is really a transsexual who will want genital reconstruction.

Loss of Intimacy. Crossdressing can be a narcissistic, selfish behavior. Often a CD will become so engrossed in crossdressing that he begins to neglect the public and private social aspects of the family. Extraordinary amounts of time, energy, and, frequently, money are spent developing an alter-ego.

Self-Esteem Partners can react to crossdressing from a sense of lowered self-esteem. They immediately ask, "What have I done wrong? What is wrong with me?" They immediately blame themselves for the behavior. It doesn't matter that the transvestism was set in motion years before they met, they "know" it's their fault. Partners who react this way usually feel negatively about themselves to begin with and they transfer the "guilt" of the behavior to themselves.

Competition. A partner or family member also may feel they have to "compete" with the crossdresser. They may be threatened if the CD looks convincingly like the opposite sex. Consider the damage done to a partner's ego if his/her spouse looks more like the opposite sex than he/she does.

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