Just Between The Two of Us

My wife doesn't understand me. She doesn't want to understand. She wants her old fashioned dependable upright David.

By Maggie David

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"Don't you believe it. Ruth and Pat stopped typing and were watching me, I could feel their eyes boring into me. And it wasn't because I'm the boss, either. We won't be so lucky next time"

"Calm down, you do panic! I've got to take every chance that I get and you do enjoy our days out together. I know that you're wound up about Jayne, but I don't have too much sympathy after she called me a pervert."

"She didn't understand."

"Yes, that's something else we've got to sort out. I know she's not well but this sneaking about is so demeaning. I'm sure I wouldn't want my husband to have to go off, not telling me where he is."

"She doesn't understand."

"Just like a man. My wife doesn't understand me. She doesn't want to understand. She wants her old fashioned dependable upright David. Boring to the last. Hair cut in a particular way, always dressed in blacks or greys with a white shirt and bonking on Wednesdays and Saturdays. She wants a conventional husband and damn to what we want."

"You're not being fair."

"Fair! Fair!!! What about me? I've put up with you for far longer than she has, not to mention 24 hours a day. And the sacrifices that I've had to make to your male ego, over the years. All I get is a few hours here and there, like some second rate mistress. It makes me want to scream."

"But she was so upset when I told her about being a TV."

"Yes and that's another thing. No mention of me. I can't help being trapped inside a man's body."

"And I don't like being what I am."

"But should we have told her half a story, like that?"

"Well it was your fault we had to tell her at all."

"What do you mean?"

"If you hadn't left that sticker on the order we sent off to that mail order catologue."

"That skirt and top were gorgeous, it was a shame they were out of stock."

"Yes and they sent the cheque back to her, that's when she began to suspect there was another woman."

"I was furious about that, she kept the cheque. I could have spent the money on something else. It was just as much your fault, we filled the order form in together, you should have taken it off."

"We can't go on like this, everyone will think we are barmy. And I've got to break off now, these bra straps are cutting into my shoulders."

"And that's another thing. You are going to have to look after our body a bit better. We've going to have to lose at least a stone and it's time you stopped smoking. It's bad for us."

"You're right and I know that we've got to get things sorted out. Can we talk on another day?"

"I quite enjoy our little chats, it's nice reading what we've said. See you later, David."

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