Teenage Tearaway Tamed
By Kirsty Jane Stevens
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Steve sighed and started slowly: "Ever since I was a small child, life has been hard for me. When my mum remarried, my step-dad thought the world of my sister, but me, I was an obstacle. How I envied my sister. How I wished I could be a girl like her, and receive the same care and attention she got. My step-dad made Mum send me off to a home, and she tried to convince herself I'd be better off there. At first she came to see me, but eventually the visits stopped. There were no presents, no cards at Christmas or birthdays.
"I was teased about my looks. I was ribbed for caring about people, about things. That was okay for girls, but not boys. I thought: If this was the case, why wasn't I a girl? I felt confused, I envied girls, their freedom of emotion, of speech.
"Nobody had time for me or the person inside, so gradually I built a different image, one that was more macho. It got to the stage where nobody ribbed me because I'd punch them in the mouth. I ridiculed any show of concern or care in others, because it had been ridiculed in me. I wouldn't allow myself to see the beauty of the flowers in the field. I didn't dare, I couldn't, yet all the time I envied a pretty girl the clothes she could wear and the way she could live.
"I'd love for a while to be a girl, or to be like one. To let all the barricades come down and see if this is really what I should be."
Steve paused for a second. His eyes were swollen and he shook with emotion. Jill was stunned by the intensity of Steve's words and those beautiful eyes, enhanced by mascara, reflecting his pain. He was like a starving child reaching for a piece of bread, and she wanted to soothe away his sobs.
"I have this illusion of feminine purity and innocence," he went on. "When I was with my mates I didn't have to see or feel, I just had to be. It was acceptable for me to punch someone's head in but it wasn't acceptable for me to feel or dress like a girl. Believe me, it's not for any sexual reason or because I fancy boys or anything like that - it's a soul journey."
He stopped, the tears now plainly visible in his eyes. "I'm mad, aren't I?"
"No," whispered Jill. "Just betrayed by people, by society, by yourself."
She opened her arms and held him to herself, like a mother does her child. Her body ached with the injustice of it all. This was probably the first time in his life he had confided his thoughts and feelings to anyone. How could she betray him to Jeffrey Griffin, however good a friend he was?
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