Jane's Story
By Jane DuCidre
It took 41 years to finally accept that I should have been born a girl. I have dressed up since the age of 5 (albeit in secrecy).
I found it not only easy to do, because I had plenty of opportunity with having two elder sisters (four and five years older) who were out working while I was still at school, but I also found it, the most natural thing to do. I would get home from school and go straight to my sisters bedroom and try on different dresses. Everything fitted perfectly and felt just right to touch.
The problem I had with it was that it was okay doing it in the privacy of my home, with no one about, but I wanted to live my life like that and be seen as I felt inside, a girl.
It's almost as if I wanted to get caught by someone. I know the punishment would have been: "So you want to dress like a girl do you? Well, you can wear that for school tomorrow - that'll teach you!" (Not a punishment in my book.)
When I was 11, it was the Scouts' Christmas party, and we were all to go in fancy dress. I had heard that two of the older Scouts were going in girls clothes, and I told my Mom that everyone was going as girls. Mom got some of my sister's clothes and set to work. I acted ignorant about how to put tights on so Mom had to do it for me. I didn't want her to think I knew what I was doing. She seemed quite pleased with the end result (I was too), but I could not tell her the dress she had selected was also one of my favourites and had been worn on many occasions before.
She also got me a pair of my sister's platform boots to wear - I had not seen these before and loved them immediately. I walked to the Scout hut (good excuse, I thought) only to find out the party was the following week. With that I just walked home dejected and disappointed, but taking my time. I wanted to make the best of this opportunity.
When I got home I explained the mix up to my Mom not knowing if she would believe it or not. She seemed to believe me, but she did say that next week I could dress myself. The following week came and I got no help from my Mom so I put my thumb straight through the leg of the tights that I was pretending to put on like a novice.
I still didn't want them to know that I knew what I was doing. It worked, but this time it was my elder sister to the rescue, and she even applied make up which my Mom had not done the week before - much better this time. The local paper was there and took a group photo of us all. When reading the paper my Mom wanted to know why everyone wasn't dressed as girls, I told her that the ones who did (all three of us) had been set up by the others. A lie I know, but worth it...
I remember when I was about 12; I must have left something in a different place than it should have been in one of my sister's drawers. Whatever it was, I knew that they suspected something. My Mom came into my bedroom one morning, as I was getting ready for school, with a pair of my sisters knickers. "Your sister is throwing these out, she wondered if you wanted them"? So I was right, they did suspect me. Quite naturally I took them off my Mom and put them on and looked at her and said, "I can't wear these Mom they don't look like underpants they look girlie."
"Well, I did say that to her but I said I'd ask," she said. I passed that test with flying colours, though I often wonder what might of happened if I had owned up to it, told them how I felt and wore them. Trips to the shrink I think?
The dressing up still continued but I was very careful from then on - but not careful enough. I had stolen a bra and a pair of panties from my elder sisters drawer and hid them in a tin under my bed with the rest of the junk I kept there. I used to put these on under my clothes to deliver my paper round morning and night.
I got in one night from playing with my friends and found my bed on the landing while my Dad was putting up new wallpaper. My Mom had totally emptied the bedroom of all its contents. When my Dad had finished, everything was put back in my bedroom. Everything, except for my tin with the bra and panties in it. I knew I had been discovered, and I was waiting for something to be said. Nothing ever was. I think they must have decided that I might grow out of it, so not to make a fuss about it and make matters worse.
From then on my hiding places were better thought out.
Copyright © Transformation 2006
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