The Other Side of the Coin
It's not knowing him that upsets me. He's had a secret life all these years and heaven knows who he's been with. He's lied about everything. The thought he's been trying on my knickers and bras made me throw them all away. I keep them locked now.
What really gets to me is I can't forget him. Is it his feminine side that's made him understanding and what I thought as a best friend and companion as well as being my lover? Have I been in love all these years with a half-woman and that's what attracted me to him? There lies the problem. Not only do I have to face his perversions, but just perhaps I have to face my own sexuality and motivations.
What if it's his female half that attracted me? I have to admit I'm the forceful one of the two of us. They say we women should take control of our lives and bodies and decide for ourselves. Perhaps Bill wants the mirror image of that and wants to be more dependent and passive and the natural extension is to want to be softer and to take on my traditional role. It's disturbing turning all I've taken for granted topsy turvy.
He's sworn he's not gay and that he's not been unfaithful to me, but can I believe him? If I do believe him, what do I do? If I make him promise to give it all up, can he? When he broke down and confessed he was clearly very upset and said he didn't think he could give it up. Do I force him back into the clandestine world he's been living in or do I invite 'her' into our home?
'She' definitely can't use anything of mine, but how do I feel about 'her'? Will it be 'Bill' in drag or will she be a real person? I don't know whether I could cope with either, even though I suspect it might be best for Bill.
Despite everything, I simply can't bring myself to forget Bill. He's been part of my life for the past ten years and I keep on thinking about that stupid phrase of my mother's, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander".
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