It’s the one big dilemma facing every TV going out amongst the public – peeing – what to do if you get caught short?
You may look totally convincing in your smart blue two piece and your neat town shoes. Nobody but the occasional admiring male may be giving you even a passing glance. But are you really sure you will pass the test in the ultimate taboo – the ladies!
It’s the biggest risk you can ever take, because there, you have the most to lose. Out in the street you may be smiled at if you’re read, or jeered at if you get too close to a gang of lads, but in the ladies it could be even worse. You could get yourself arrested.
The problem for most TVs is that they just don’t know what to expect. When you’re brought up to frequent the quietness of the gents, the unabashed behaviour next door can be something of a shock.
Men don’t talk to each other in toilets, they’re generally too scared that any sign of human contact could be misinterpreted. Sit down for a contemplation and you have no fear of the guy in the cubicle next to you suddenly starting up a conversation. We just don’t do that kind of thing, but many women do.
They don’t have the same hang-ups as men, you don’t hear wild stories of women hanging around public toilets picking up young girls, so no one is suspicious when they behave as normally in the cubicle as they would outside.
If there’s no paper and they can’t find any in their bag, they may well call across to you, sitting demurely a couple of feet away, to ask you if you’ve got any. If you have you can push it under the barrier, but if you haven’t, what do you do? Is your voice, on its own and divorced from your feminine looks, really good enough to pass. Not many TVs would survive such a test.
But TVs, like anybody else, often don’t think of the consequences or of what might happen unexpectedly. Being arrested in a dress for causing a breach of the peace is so bad a nightmare they prefer just not to think about it. They’ll even use the ladies just for the thrill of it, and some have come very unstuck.
A friend of mine, a very convincing TV we always thought, got arrested on the motorway services at Charnock Richard and came close to suicide when he realised he would have to appear in court. Luckily, he was so far from his home that his family never found out, and the magistrate merely bound him over to keep the peace for a year. The whole business took him months to get over though, and it’s just not worth the risk.
Of course, if you do get caught short then you do have a problem. You can hardly use the gents, and it’s too risky to use the ladies, so what do you do to avoid wet knickers?
The answer lies in that relatively new arrival on the toilet scene – the disabled person’s loo. This is usually unisex, and only takes one person at a time, so no one’s going to strike up an unwanted conversation. You can just nip in, do your essentials, and nip out again, a woman for all the world to see.
So next time you’re out on the town, take care. Stay away from the temptation of the toilets. You know it makes sense.